Whiny.

I’ve been easily agitated and generally whiny lately.

A game of Guitar Hero got me in a rage.. I almost had the fits because I couldn’t hit the notes on Hard. Somehow, those annoying colourful circles and the instinctive ability to tilt the plastic thing resembling a guitar to get Star Power just got me in such a state, that my thought process looked something like this:

I can play guitar. Therefore I must be able to play Guitar Hero.

If I can’t play Guitar Hero, then I can’t play guitar.

If I can’t play guitar, then I can’t do anything.

If I can’t do anything, then my entire self worth as a human being amounts to nothing.

GARH!

—–

Ended up sulking for half an hour. Poor Girl Chris was trying so hard to lose, so that I would feel better, but that made it worse because getting your arse pitied is worse than getting your arse kicked.

Playing Tekken with Boy Chris wasn’t much fun either. Similar thought process, similar (il)logical sequence.

I can fight. Therefore I must be able to play a fighting simulation game.

If I can’t play a fighting simulation game, then I can’t fight.

If I can’t fight, I am weak and worthless.

GARH!

—–

Also sulked for half an hour.

I sulk a lot.

—–

This all has something to do with the whole job thing, somehow, I think. In my last post I wrote about how I had to write about a certain brand for a job application at a certain marketing magazine. I got the interview, which I thought went well, but I didn’t get the job.

The only job I got was a soul-destroying sales job, which would involve walking up to random strangers at the mall, like an annoying bug, and trying to sell them credit cards. I turned it down, and have been fretting ever since, wondering if I’d just turned down the only job I could get.

I am getting so used to rejection that I’m expecting an “Unfortunately you weren’t right for this position” before even typing up my covering letters.

I am so tired at looking at classifieds, knowing I’m not qualified for half the jobs, and, in all probability, won’t get any of the half I am qualified for.

I am thankful for my supportive friends, who repeat “You’re awesome!” and “You can do it!” like a mantra, but so far all evidence point to the contrary.

I feel an overwhelming rush of WhatthefuckamIdoinghere? mixed with a tinge of Howdidmylifecometothis?

I had such big, big dreams.

And I’m wondering if I can ever get a better job than as an annoying bug selling credit cards.

Mostly I just feel so very, very alone.